I've had a lot big, but normal changes in my everyday life that have just sapped time and energy for blogging. I hope that things are starting to settle down in the next few weeks for me so I can jump back in.
I hope you are all happy and well!
jen
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Friday, November 20, 2015
Response to Mistress Anna - Re: Long term chastity?
Mistress Anna over at Welcome to Anna's Place asked this question on my last blog post:
As of today I've been in chastity for about three and a half weeks - two and a half since handing over custody of the keys and any control I had over getting off. And that is HARD! (pun intended!) Miss has let me out twice (last weekend, and the weekend before).
Just prior to starting with chastity I had become more sexual, or I guess more horny. I was masturbating probably three or four times during the week. For background, we are only together on weekends due to my kid situation. Monday to Friday we are apart, and I'd get off in the morning before my shower. So I think Miss is very happy to keep me from masturbating... Very happy :-)
Physically I'm thinking the device is working out really well, much better than I ever expected. So as of today, from a practical perspective, it seems like I could possibly wear it nearly 24/7/365.
I am still trying to get my head around the mental and emotional part. In one way I feel so proud that I have been able to be in chastity for this long because Miss is so absolutely thrilled at the control this gives her. And I had no idea to what degree she was going to like this. I was afraid it would not be of any interest to her, and I really-really wanted her to want to keep me in chastity because her wanting that for herself would be another sign to me that she wants me as hers. It would also be an expression of love from her to me, that she wants me as her, well, play-toy?
OK, that was a bit of rambling stream of consciousness. What has been on my (worrying) mind this last week is what is Miss thinking? Since I'm doing pretty well with the device physically, is she thinking that unless she's using her toy there is no real reason that it needs to be unlocked?
I want to ask her and probably will, but she might get annoyed that I'm asking and punish me for it. In fact last night she put me on notice that if I get all naggy about how sore and frustrated I can get in the cage, or if I have any non-submissive attitude with her that she would not unlock me this weekend at all. That would mean I'd be locked up for two more weeks, making it three weeks since she last unlocked me, and five and a half weeks in chastity total (granted, with 3 releases).
Actually I may have already exhibited "Attitude" with her on the phone last night, and she called me out on it. I hope she doesn't consider that cause to keep me locked and denied as she threatened to :-(
One thing about being locked up is that I am more submissive, and I'm also much more horny! Especially when I have the urethral tube inserted. But Miss has not (yet) tortured me by having me bring her to orgasm while keeping me in the cage and denying me the same. I'm not sure if that idea has caught her fancy yet.
Short answer: A part of me wants to be in chastity 24/7/365, no doubt about it. I never expected to feel that way. Another part of me is struggling with being so horny and not being able to get off.
Reading that back I think I'm thinking like many people probably do. I'll just have to wait to see what Miss wants, and go from there.
I really DO want her to have 100% control of my cock. I've fantasized far beyond that...about there being a futuristic pain device that is surgically inserted into the penis that is controlled by a device implanted into her finger tips. She could control the intensity and it could even (somehow) render me unconscious. We did play with a dog shock collar a few times :-) Yeah, crazy I am!
p.s. If I'm going to be locked up I guess I need to stock up on crotchless panties! Time to shop!!! :-D
"I saw pics of this guy on Fetlife about a month ago. Hes been in Chastity for 17 years. How would you feel about that?"To answer your question (and this is a long answer), before us trying this chastity experiment out, the thought of long term chastity had not entered my mind. I hadn't thought very consciously about duration at all. I just had thoughts that would pop into my head about how frustrated and out of my mind I would be after a week, or two weeks, or (GASP!) three weeks without an orgasm. I guess anything longer than that seemed unthinkable to me? I really have no other concrete reason as to why I thought that way.
As of today I've been in chastity for about three and a half weeks - two and a half since handing over custody of the keys and any control I had over getting off. And that is HARD! (pun intended!) Miss has let me out twice (last weekend, and the weekend before).
Just prior to starting with chastity I had become more sexual, or I guess more horny. I was masturbating probably three or four times during the week. For background, we are only together on weekends due to my kid situation. Monday to Friday we are apart, and I'd get off in the morning before my shower. So I think Miss is very happy to keep me from masturbating... Very happy :-)
Physically I'm thinking the device is working out really well, much better than I ever expected. So as of today, from a practical perspective, it seems like I could possibly wear it nearly 24/7/365.
I am still trying to get my head around the mental and emotional part. In one way I feel so proud that I have been able to be in chastity for this long because Miss is so absolutely thrilled at the control this gives her. And I had no idea to what degree she was going to like this. I was afraid it would not be of any interest to her, and I really-really wanted her to want to keep me in chastity because her wanting that for herself would be another sign to me that she wants me as hers. It would also be an expression of love from her to me, that she wants me as her, well, play-toy?
OK, that was a bit of rambling stream of consciousness. What has been on my (worrying) mind this last week is what is Miss thinking? Since I'm doing pretty well with the device physically, is she thinking that unless she's using her toy there is no real reason that it needs to be unlocked?
I want to ask her and probably will, but she might get annoyed that I'm asking and punish me for it. In fact last night she put me on notice that if I get all naggy about how sore and frustrated I can get in the cage, or if I have any non-submissive attitude with her that she would not unlock me this weekend at all. That would mean I'd be locked up for two more weeks, making it three weeks since she last unlocked me, and five and a half weeks in chastity total (granted, with 3 releases).
Actually I may have already exhibited "Attitude" with her on the phone last night, and she called me out on it. I hope she doesn't consider that cause to keep me locked and denied as she threatened to :-(
One thing about being locked up is that I am more submissive, and I'm also much more horny! Especially when I have the urethral tube inserted. But Miss has not (yet) tortured me by having me bring her to orgasm while keeping me in the cage and denying me the same. I'm not sure if that idea has caught her fancy yet.
Short answer: A part of me wants to be in chastity 24/7/365, no doubt about it. I never expected to feel that way. Another part of me is struggling with being so horny and not being able to get off.
Reading that back I think I'm thinking like many people probably do. I'll just have to wait to see what Miss wants, and go from there.
p.s. If I'm going to be locked up I guess I need to stock up on crotchless panties! Time to shop!!! :-D
Monday, November 16, 2015
I love you so much! How much? Chastity time!
Submissive in need of control?!!! How did I get this way???
I have always fantasized about being under as much physical and mental control as possible, as a submissive to a dominant woman (before I had a vocabulary to describe my feelings even!) Chastity is one of the few ways to prove your devotion that is somewhat obtainable today.
Isn't submission to the one you love a great sign of love and devotion? What could prove that more than "I'll do anything you ask, anything to make you happy", "I'll suffer any pain or punishment you see fit to inflict, and beg for more?"
We often hear people say "I'll die for you!" So why not prove it then?!! But not the dying part. Put your money where you mouth is, or your ass over her knee, and prove your love has no limits :-P Did knights really die for their princesses?
I think submission for me came from reading comics in Playboy/Penthouse with FemDom themes. I remember one where women had a guy strapped down to a medical table and were giving him injections to keep him hard - a Viagra prediction? This was 1973 or so and I was in 1st or 2nd grade. He was to be a sex slave. The magazines were in a pile out in a citrus tree field behind where we lived at the time. Obviously someone "hid" them there, and other boys were with me checking them out. Maybe I though if I was submissive I'd get the girl?
Tried chastity in the past... alone.
Before getting back with Miss, I tried chastity out. I orderd a CB2000, then a CB3000. But my ex had no interest with it, so I did not get any of the emotional experience of having someone else controlling access to my cock, and not knowing when I would be allowed to get off again. So it was not fulfilling at all.
Present day
I finally couldn't ignore the need to explore chastity with Miss. I did a bunch of research of blogs and other things online to see what was available. We looked at different types of devices, and decided on one to try out. The picture below is the finished product. It has a urethral tube that can easily be inserted and removed without unlocking the device.
Fine-tuning the fit
I had spent the 2nd and 3rd weeks of October adjusting the device. It is a cheap Chinese knock-off and I really just thought it would only serve to figure out if this style of device was in the ballpark and if it would be worth investing in a higher quality custom made version of it.
I used some JB Weld to make the "A" ring (the one that goes around both the penis and scrotum) a permanent ring as it was a hinged ring that would pinch my skin otherwise. I also bent the metal to make the distance between that "A" ring and the cage part that encloses the penis head and shaft a bit narrower so my testicles would be less likely to slip out. Those adjustments have worked very well so far.
The week prior to Halloween I wore it from Tuesday October 27th to Saturday afternoon October 31st (Halloween) - 4 days. That was my "dry run" (pun intended) to see if this particular chastity device (after my adjustments) was going to work for long term wear. Was it comfortable enough? And was it secure enough to not come off too easily?
I put it back on Sunday November 1st and gave Miss the keys the next day (Monday the 2nd).
I was locked without access to the keys from Sunday to Saturday evening - just short of a week.
It came off Sunday because I told Miss I was not going to be able to be very lady-like at the monthly Tgirl Nights dance party we go to with it on. I could not cross my legs very well at all in chastity. She agreed and unlocked me, which I stayed unlocked until the next morning (Sunday Nov. 8th).
Again I went just short of a full week in chastity. From Sunday morning (Nov. 8th) to the next Saturday night (November 14th). Miss let me out of the cock cage so she could have her fun - hehehehehe! But she locked me back in a short while after.
Miss is totally ecstatic about me being in chastity. She LOVES having that power and control over me. She's had control of me for over 2 weeks now. I can only imagine what it must feel like to control a man's cock by locking it into a metal cage and knowing he will feel pain with every (attempted) erection, and knowing that he can't get off.
Where is Miss going with this?
When I ask Miss questions about what's on her mind, especially when it comes to her plans for me, 2x especially if it has to do with her dispensing discomfort to me, she often says "You are on a need to know basis!"
I asked her in a fairly subtle manner, what does she envision for my chastity? She was coy, as she doesn't like to put something out there and then have it not come to be, and didn't provide a real response. She is used to being disappointed in life, so I understand that she doesn't like to get her hopes up in case they might get crushed. But I suspect if the cage works out she might want me caged up 24/7/365, except for when she has a need for what's inside.
Recap
I've been in chastity since October 27th, with just three periods unlocked (two "for her pleasure"). First time unlocked was for about 18 hours, second time out was about 12, and the third time out was for about 4 hours. So that's three weeks in chastity as of tomorrow...
I have always fantasized about being under as much physical and mental control as possible, as a submissive to a dominant woman (before I had a vocabulary to describe my feelings even!) Chastity is one of the few ways to prove your devotion that is somewhat obtainable today.
Isn't submission to the one you love a great sign of love and devotion? What could prove that more than "I'll do anything you ask, anything to make you happy", "I'll suffer any pain or punishment you see fit to inflict, and beg for more?"
We often hear people say "I'll die for you!" So why not prove it then?!! But not the dying part. Put your money where you mouth is, or your ass over her knee, and prove your love has no limits :-P Did knights really die for their princesses?
I think submission for me came from reading comics in Playboy/Penthouse with FemDom themes. I remember one where women had a guy strapped down to a medical table and were giving him injections to keep him hard - a Viagra prediction? This was 1973 or so and I was in 1st or 2nd grade. He was to be a sex slave. The magazines were in a pile out in a citrus tree field behind where we lived at the time. Obviously someone "hid" them there, and other boys were with me checking them out. Maybe I though if I was submissive I'd get the girl?
Tried chastity in the past... alone.
Before getting back with Miss, I tried chastity out. I orderd a CB2000, then a CB3000. But my ex had no interest with it, so I did not get any of the emotional experience of having someone else controlling access to my cock, and not knowing when I would be allowed to get off again. So it was not fulfilling at all.
Present day
I finally couldn't ignore the need to explore chastity with Miss. I did a bunch of research of blogs and other things online to see what was available. We looked at different types of devices, and decided on one to try out. The picture below is the finished product. It has a urethral tube that can easily be inserted and removed without unlocking the device.
Fine-tuning the fit
I had spent the 2nd and 3rd weeks of October adjusting the device. It is a cheap Chinese knock-off and I really just thought it would only serve to figure out if this style of device was in the ballpark and if it would be worth investing in a higher quality custom made version of it.
I used some JB Weld to make the "A" ring (the one that goes around both the penis and scrotum) a permanent ring as it was a hinged ring that would pinch my skin otherwise. I also bent the metal to make the distance between that "A" ring and the cage part that encloses the penis head and shaft a bit narrower so my testicles would be less likely to slip out. Those adjustments have worked very well so far.
The week prior to Halloween I wore it from Tuesday October 27th to Saturday afternoon October 31st (Halloween) - 4 days. That was my "dry run" (pun intended) to see if this particular chastity device (after my adjustments) was going to work for long term wear. Was it comfortable enough? And was it secure enough to not come off too easily?
I put it back on Sunday November 1st and gave Miss the keys the next day (Monday the 2nd).
I was locked without access to the keys from Sunday to Saturday evening - just short of a week.
It came off Sunday because I told Miss I was not going to be able to be very lady-like at the monthly Tgirl Nights dance party we go to with it on. I could not cross my legs very well at all in chastity. She agreed and unlocked me, which I stayed unlocked until the next morning (Sunday Nov. 8th).
Again I went just short of a full week in chastity. From Sunday morning (Nov. 8th) to the next Saturday night (November 14th). Miss let me out of the cock cage so she could have her fun - hehehehehe! But she locked me back in a short while after.
Miss is totally ecstatic about me being in chastity. She LOVES having that power and control over me. She's had control of me for over 2 weeks now. I can only imagine what it must feel like to control a man's cock by locking it into a metal cage and knowing he will feel pain with every (attempted) erection, and knowing that he can't get off.
Where is Miss going with this?
When I ask Miss questions about what's on her mind, especially when it comes to her plans for me, 2x especially if it has to do with her dispensing discomfort to me, she often says "You are on a need to know basis!"
I asked her in a fairly subtle manner, what does she envision for my chastity? She was coy, as she doesn't like to put something out there and then have it not come to be, and didn't provide a real response. She is used to being disappointed in life, so I understand that she doesn't like to get her hopes up in case they might get crushed. But I suspect if the cage works out she might want me caged up 24/7/365, except for when she has a need for what's inside.
Recap
I've been in chastity since October 27th, with just three periods unlocked (two "for her pleasure"). First time unlocked was for about 18 hours, second time out was about 12, and the third time out was for about 4 hours. So that's three weeks in chastity as of tomorrow...
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Getting our FemDom sissy slave BDSM on! (and more backstory)
OK, time to depart from whatever level of political and cultural correctness I've managed to maintain on this blog and share some of our deep dark steamy kink!
Among the many things we could be classified as, Miss and I are a FemDom couple. Maybe I should real quick try to share more background for people to get a better picture of what we are like...
As a kid I was very shy, so introverted. When we were in high school and Miss had me in the "Friend Zone" we hung out for hour upon hour and I wanted to make a move but was terrified to do so. I was waiting for some sign from her that she had interest but that didn't happen until around 5 or 6 years after we had first met. So I think that's a big facet of my submissiveness to her.
Not too long ago I posted about how Miss and I got back together after another 15 or so years went by of no contact. In that post I mentioned how I had to come out to her about my cross dressing because I felt I couldn't keep that in the closet, and needed to know if she was ok with it or not. As it turned out she was more than ok with it, and over time I realized that she loves me being a woman - Damn lucky I am!
BDSM, enter stage right!
In the early stages of us getting back together somehow I also brought up another kink, BDSM. She was good with this and we started slowly. At first she would tie me up and there wold be some whipping and spanking. Nothing really extreme. That's as far as it went during the 1st round of our re-uniting. We split up (I went back to my ex and kids).
Cross dressing gets more serious
During the second try at re-uniting things developed a little further. When we had alone time at her place I was dressing up more. And she gave me my first experience with makeup! I still hadn't consciously realized I was transgender. I would dress up and we would go outside and sit on her front patio, have a few drinks, and chill out. It was an upstairs apartment and fairly secluded if we were sitting. I don't remember where this wig came from!
Miss is a 'cutter'!
She must have brought the subject up. While I knew one aspect of cutting, from the negative psychological perspective with people doing it to themselves, I had never heard of anything kink-positive about it. When she brought it up I was thinking (to myself) "I can't take that kind of pain!" But I did not want to let her down, so she carved me. She carved the word "SLAVE" across my upper back, and I think it was with a diabetic syringe needle.
Perhaps this happened that same night, and perhaps it was a different carving; it was a number of years ago. It was raining, and late in the evening. I was so out of my mind about going through that pain, for sure endorphin's were running high. I was experiencing a euphoric orgasm of mind blowing ecstasy coming out of the pain of having my back carved.
I was in a primal, instinctive, adrenaline pumped crazy impulsive state of mind. That's the best I can describe it, and I have never experienced anything like that before. I put on a pair of Miss's high heels. I might have had some makeup on. I walked out her front door onto the patio. I looked around, the rain was coming down pretty good. I don't know what was in my head, but I continued walking down the stairs. Only in her black heels, with SLAVE carved on my back, probably some blood was seeping out of it. I walked all the way around her apartment building, into the alley behind, then back upstairs to her apartment. All I can say is I was out of my mind in subspace. I sooo easily could have been seen by a neighbor, or a car turning the corner in the alley, but I don't think I was.
There was another instance where she was really pissed at me. She carved a broken heart on my chest! I was scared about how upset she was. At the same time I was relived that at least she wasn't so upset that she kicked me to the curb. (That happened later, but it's a different story that I will share eventually...)
Miss - also sadistic Pyro?! And I say that in the absolutely most joyful and flattering way possible!
I think I must have told her how I had fantasied about being burnt with a cigarette. She obliged, I think starting with brushing it lightly against my inner thigh. She escalated from there and pressed the tip against either my balls or cock (or maybe she did both). It hurt like hell!
Miss eventually got to the point where she was using her cigarettes, or incense, to burn a ring around my butt-hole. Those sessions seem to be very very long and intensely painful.
I will need to ask Miss about how she came into awareness about her enjoying inflicting pain so much. I'm really curious!
Recently...
A part of many submissive's nature includes the need to be controlled sexually. I am definitely in that camp. We've moved on to a metal chastity device. We just got it adjusted to the point where I have been able to wear it for several days without any problems. So this week she took the keys to my castle, if you get the idea - LOL.
So, this is a whole different kind of personal sharing. I hope it isn't a turn-off to my blog for anyone out there reading it :-)
Among the many things we could be classified as, Miss and I are a FemDom couple. Maybe I should real quick try to share more background for people to get a better picture of what we are like...
As a kid I was very shy, so introverted. When we were in high school and Miss had me in the "Friend Zone" we hung out for hour upon hour and I wanted to make a move but was terrified to do so. I was waiting for some sign from her that she had interest but that didn't happen until around 5 or 6 years after we had first met. So I think that's a big facet of my submissiveness to her.
Not too long ago I posted about how Miss and I got back together after another 15 or so years went by of no contact. In that post I mentioned how I had to come out to her about my cross dressing because I felt I couldn't keep that in the closet, and needed to know if she was ok with it or not. As it turned out she was more than ok with it, and over time I realized that she loves me being a woman - Damn lucky I am!
BDSM, enter stage right!
In the early stages of us getting back together somehow I also brought up another kink, BDSM. She was good with this and we started slowly. At first she would tie me up and there wold be some whipping and spanking. Nothing really extreme. That's as far as it went during the 1st round of our re-uniting. We split up (I went back to my ex and kids).
Cross dressing gets more serious
During the second try at re-uniting things developed a little further. When we had alone time at her place I was dressing up more. And she gave me my first experience with makeup! I still hadn't consciously realized I was transgender. I would dress up and we would go outside and sit on her front patio, have a few drinks, and chill out. It was an upstairs apartment and fairly secluded if we were sitting. I don't remember where this wig came from!
 |
| Miss bought me my first dress ever! |
 |
| Outside on Miss's patio |
 |
| Sexy time! |
Miss is a 'cutter'!
She must have brought the subject up. While I knew one aspect of cutting, from the negative psychological perspective with people doing it to themselves, I had never heard of anything kink-positive about it. When she brought it up I was thinking (to myself) "I can't take that kind of pain!" But I did not want to let her down, so she carved me. She carved the word "SLAVE" across my upper back, and I think it was with a diabetic syringe needle.
Perhaps this happened that same night, and perhaps it was a different carving; it was a number of years ago. It was raining, and late in the evening. I was so out of my mind about going through that pain, for sure endorphin's were running high. I was experiencing a euphoric orgasm of mind blowing ecstasy coming out of the pain of having my back carved.
I was in a primal, instinctive, adrenaline pumped crazy impulsive state of mind. That's the best I can describe it, and I have never experienced anything like that before. I put on a pair of Miss's high heels. I might have had some makeup on. I walked out her front door onto the patio. I looked around, the rain was coming down pretty good. I don't know what was in my head, but I continued walking down the stairs. Only in her black heels, with SLAVE carved on my back, probably some blood was seeping out of it. I walked all the way around her apartment building, into the alley behind, then back upstairs to her apartment. All I can say is I was out of my mind in subspace. I sooo easily could have been seen by a neighbor, or a car turning the corner in the alley, but I don't think I was.
There was another instance where she was really pissed at me. She carved a broken heart on my chest! I was scared about how upset she was. At the same time I was relived that at least she wasn't so upset that she kicked me to the curb. (That happened later, but it's a different story that I will share eventually...)
 |
| My back, with Miss's "M" carved on me |
Miss - also sadistic Pyro?! And I say that in the absolutely most joyful and flattering way possible!
I think I must have told her how I had fantasied about being burnt with a cigarette. She obliged, I think starting with brushing it lightly against my inner thigh. She escalated from there and pressed the tip against either my balls or cock (or maybe she did both). It hurt like hell!
Miss eventually got to the point where she was using her cigarettes, or incense, to burn a ring around my butt-hole. Those sessions seem to be very very long and intensely painful.
I will need to ask Miss about how she came into awareness about her enjoying inflicting pain so much. I'm really curious!
Recently...
A part of many submissive's nature includes the need to be controlled sexually. I am definitely in that camp. We've moved on to a metal chastity device. We just got it adjusted to the point where I have been able to wear it for several days without any problems. So this week she took the keys to my castle, if you get the idea - LOL.
So, this is a whole different kind of personal sharing. I hope it isn't a turn-off to my blog for anyone out there reading it :-)
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Re-uniting, Coming out to Miss, Breaking up again, Re-re-uniting
Backstory
Soon after high school, when I was working my way through college, Miss and I had dated briefly. My immaturity was the reason we split up. But we did have some fun times, and I'll have to write about that down the road.
After we split up, we didn't have any contact at all. We both got married (to other people) and had kids. During that time I fantasized about her all the time. Weekly, daily... I was still in love with her. There were many times I remember fantasizing I was with her while I was having sex with my ex. Sometimes that's what it took for me to be able to climax.
This was long before social media sites existed (mid-to-late 1980's), so in my heart I knew I never was going to see her again. I had no friends or acquaintances that would have known where she was or how to contact her.
Miracle time
Around 2002 I had come across the classmates.com website. That site had gotten high school class rosters and made them available online. You could sign up as "yourself" and send email through the site to other people. I checked it out, and eventually I decided to try to contact her. I sent email through the site, but I never in a million years expected her to have found that site or signed up on it as this was really early in the Internet's growth. Plus I figured she was happily married and probably wouldn't be interested in me even if she wasn't. But a miracle did happen, and she emailed me back!
I Internet stalked her somehow, and got her approximate address. It looked like it could have been a housing track, so I definitely assumed she was happily married.
As I eventually found out yes, she had been married and had a child but had divorced. But now she had a boyfriend that was living with her and her daughter. I was still married.
I don't recall all the specific details of what happened back then, but via email we setup a phone call, we ended up talking on the phone, and that lead to a "let's meet in person."
The arrangement was for me to meet her at her office at lunch time. I was incredibly nervous, and the anticipation and excitement about actually seeing her in person was driving me crazy! I could not wait!
So we meet again
I arrived and went to the receptionist and said I was here to meet Miss (well, using her real name). A co-worker took me back to where she was.
When I first saw her I was scared that this was just going to be a "hi how ya been" kind of casual meetup. But our eyes met, I sensed something good but I couldn't tell you if it was inside me or something I sensed coming from her. We walked toward each other and ended up in a nice big tight hug! I died! I was in heaven! She wasn't rejecting me or holding me at arms length. Wheeeeeew!!!
So I felt hope that I could have her again, one day, even though we were both still attached. We continued to meet for lunch at her office regularly. It was so so nice! A second chance with the woman of my dreams!!!
After not too long she split up with her boyfriend, and I was able to visit her at her house.
Coming out
I was wearing pantyhose under my pants regularly, and had been doing so while visiting Miss at her office. At this point in time I had no conscious thoughts about being transgender. No gender dysphoria awareness. In fact, I was so naive at this point that I thought "shemales" were not actually real. They didn't exist, it was all doctored photographs. I didn't mentally connect Billy Jean King to gender transition at all. This was just back in 2002!
So here I am, on the verge of a dream come true finding Miss again. But inside I have stress about my cross dressing secret. If I told her would she reject me?
I sent her a porn picture of a transgender girl in a cheerleader outfit. I don't remember what I was thinking when I sent it, but I did. She didn't react to it that I recall, but sometime later she said she wondered if I was trying to "tell her" something. I guess I was, but it wasn't conscious.
Eventually, while meeting her for lunch one day, I got the courage to confess. I did it because I didn't want to keep any secrets from her, and because I knew I could not stop enjoying wearing women's lingerie. I needed to know sooner than later if she would accept that about me or not. Well, she did accept me, and my cross dressing.
Miss Double downs!
Miss did far more than just accept my cross dressing. She took me to a whole new level of self-understanding about my gender identity. I don't think that was her goal, but that's what happened.
She encouraged my dressing up. I think one of the first things she did was to pick out a full outfit for me from her own wardrobe, including some cute panties with a strawberry print pattern, and had me try them on and wear them at her place. She bought me lingerie and we did photo shoots so I could see what I looked like. For my birthday she bought me my first dress! OMG that is the birthday gift I remember out of all I've ever received.
I was in heaven, and doing things I never imagined for myself. I was experiencing being able to fully dress like a woman, and I had the woman I loved completely accepting and supporting me with it. I was getting excited about life, and looking forward to the future, instead of just "marking time" in life with someone I should have left years earlier. But that's a whole different story.
Blowing it with Miss - so much for second chances
So I told my wife I was leaving. I packed my things and moved in with Miss. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, leaving my kids. In high school I had promised I would never abandon my kids like my father had me. And I had shared that sentiment with Miss back then too. Telling her that then, may have been the single most important thing that made it possible for us to be together today. Because she already knew about the promise I made to myself about my kids.
I was with Miss for little more than a day or two before I could not take the sadness and depression of leaving my kids. I was a sobbing, crying, broken wreck. I had to go back to them. I couldn't leave them, even though it was going to mean I would never have the woman I had already loved (in absentia) for 20 years. A woman that actually enjoyed me being feminine. The woman that was unlocking my real self, my real feminine self. My highest most personal (selfish?) dream was to be with her, but I had promised myself I would not leave my kids.
So I went back to my horrible married life. Sacrificing myself for my kids. Turning my back on the biggest dream of my life - Miss. It was not a choice, it was just what I, as a responsible parent, had to do.
I could never expect Miss to want to have anything to do with me again. This was the last shovel of dirt on the coffin. She had given up her boyfriend for me. I made promises to her and broke them.
She got back with her boyfriend and they married (I learned that a few years later). I was back in my unhappy marriage, "marking time" again. I probably thought that when the kids all move out I can end the marriage and go from there. But I knew Miss would not give me a third chance. She had moved on.
3 years go by: Re-re-uniting
I was living my miserable life, working long hours probably because that meant less time to have to spend interacting with my wife. I thought all the time of how I screwed up my 2nd chance with Miss. Any progress in me as far as gender dysphoria was concerned was also gone. Yes my wife knew of my cross dressing, but she wasn't interested in it. She just put up with it.
I was working at my desk at home on a Saturday morning. I get an instant message from Miss. My heart pounds jumping into hope again that Miss might still care and want me somehow. I message her back........
I'll have to work on the next chapter of our story in a future post, but yes we did get back together for a 3rd time!... But can you believe it, we also went to the brink of breaking up a third time a while later! Don't worry, we are totally good now - Whew!!!!
Soon after high school, when I was working my way through college, Miss and I had dated briefly. My immaturity was the reason we split up. But we did have some fun times, and I'll have to write about that down the road.
After we split up, we didn't have any contact at all. We both got married (to other people) and had kids. During that time I fantasized about her all the time. Weekly, daily... I was still in love with her. There were many times I remember fantasizing I was with her while I was having sex with my ex. Sometimes that's what it took for me to be able to climax.
This was long before social media sites existed (mid-to-late 1980's), so in my heart I knew I never was going to see her again. I had no friends or acquaintances that would have known where she was or how to contact her.
Miracle time
Around 2002 I had come across the classmates.com website. That site had gotten high school class rosters and made them available online. You could sign up as "yourself" and send email through the site to other people. I checked it out, and eventually I decided to try to contact her. I sent email through the site, but I never in a million years expected her to have found that site or signed up on it as this was really early in the Internet's growth. Plus I figured she was happily married and probably wouldn't be interested in me even if she wasn't. But a miracle did happen, and she emailed me back!
I Internet stalked her somehow, and got her approximate address. It looked like it could have been a housing track, so I definitely assumed she was happily married.
As I eventually found out yes, she had been married and had a child but had divorced. But now she had a boyfriend that was living with her and her daughter. I was still married.
I don't recall all the specific details of what happened back then, but via email we setup a phone call, we ended up talking on the phone, and that lead to a "let's meet in person."
The arrangement was for me to meet her at her office at lunch time. I was incredibly nervous, and the anticipation and excitement about actually seeing her in person was driving me crazy! I could not wait!
So we meet again
I arrived and went to the receptionist and said I was here to meet Miss (well, using her real name). A co-worker took me back to where she was.
When I first saw her I was scared that this was just going to be a "hi how ya been" kind of casual meetup. But our eyes met, I sensed something good but I couldn't tell you if it was inside me or something I sensed coming from her. We walked toward each other and ended up in a nice big tight hug! I died! I was in heaven! She wasn't rejecting me or holding me at arms length. Wheeeeeew!!!
So I felt hope that I could have her again, one day, even though we were both still attached. We continued to meet for lunch at her office regularly. It was so so nice! A second chance with the woman of my dreams!!!
After not too long she split up with her boyfriend, and I was able to visit her at her house.
Coming out
I was wearing pantyhose under my pants regularly, and had been doing so while visiting Miss at her office. At this point in time I had no conscious thoughts about being transgender. No gender dysphoria awareness. In fact, I was so naive at this point that I thought "shemales" were not actually real. They didn't exist, it was all doctored photographs. I didn't mentally connect Billy Jean King to gender transition at all. This was just back in 2002!
So here I am, on the verge of a dream come true finding Miss again. But inside I have stress about my cross dressing secret. If I told her would she reject me?
I sent her a porn picture of a transgender girl in a cheerleader outfit. I don't remember what I was thinking when I sent it, but I did. She didn't react to it that I recall, but sometime later she said she wondered if I was trying to "tell her" something. I guess I was, but it wasn't conscious.
Eventually, while meeting her for lunch one day, I got the courage to confess. I did it because I didn't want to keep any secrets from her, and because I knew I could not stop enjoying wearing women's lingerie. I needed to know sooner than later if she would accept that about me or not. Well, she did accept me, and my cross dressing.
Miss Double downs!
Miss did far more than just accept my cross dressing. She took me to a whole new level of self-understanding about my gender identity. I don't think that was her goal, but that's what happened.
She encouraged my dressing up. I think one of the first things she did was to pick out a full outfit for me from her own wardrobe, including some cute panties with a strawberry print pattern, and had me try them on and wear them at her place. She bought me lingerie and we did photo shoots so I could see what I looked like. For my birthday she bought me my first dress! OMG that is the birthday gift I remember out of all I've ever received.
I was in heaven, and doing things I never imagined for myself. I was experiencing being able to fully dress like a woman, and I had the woman I loved completely accepting and supporting me with it. I was getting excited about life, and looking forward to the future, instead of just "marking time" in life with someone I should have left years earlier. But that's a whole different story.
Blowing it with Miss - so much for second chances
So I told my wife I was leaving. I packed my things and moved in with Miss. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, leaving my kids. In high school I had promised I would never abandon my kids like my father had me. And I had shared that sentiment with Miss back then too. Telling her that then, may have been the single most important thing that made it possible for us to be together today. Because she already knew about the promise I made to myself about my kids.
I was with Miss for little more than a day or two before I could not take the sadness and depression of leaving my kids. I was a sobbing, crying, broken wreck. I had to go back to them. I couldn't leave them, even though it was going to mean I would never have the woman I had already loved (in absentia) for 20 years. A woman that actually enjoyed me being feminine. The woman that was unlocking my real self, my real feminine self. My highest most personal (selfish?) dream was to be with her, but I had promised myself I would not leave my kids.
So I went back to my horrible married life. Sacrificing myself for my kids. Turning my back on the biggest dream of my life - Miss. It was not a choice, it was just what I, as a responsible parent, had to do.
I could never expect Miss to want to have anything to do with me again. This was the last shovel of dirt on the coffin. She had given up her boyfriend for me. I made promises to her and broke them.
She got back with her boyfriend and they married (I learned that a few years later). I was back in my unhappy marriage, "marking time" again. I probably thought that when the kids all move out I can end the marriage and go from there. But I knew Miss would not give me a third chance. She had moved on.
3 years go by: Re-re-uniting
I was living my miserable life, working long hours probably because that meant less time to have to spend interacting with my wife. I thought all the time of how I screwed up my 2nd chance with Miss. Any progress in me as far as gender dysphoria was concerned was also gone. Yes my wife knew of my cross dressing, but she wasn't interested in it. She just put up with it.
I was working at my desk at home on a Saturday morning. I get an instant message from Miss. My heart pounds jumping into hope again that Miss might still care and want me somehow. I message her back........
I'll have to work on the next chapter of our story in a future post, but yes we did get back together for a 3rd time!... But can you believe it, we also went to the brink of breaking up a third time a while later! Don't worry, we are totally good now - Whew!!!!
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Results from http://bdsmtest.org/
I guess this is where I stand with this particular BDSM survey
== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
100% girl/boy
100% Degradation receiver
100% Submissive
99% Bondage receiver
96% Pet
93% Masochist
86% Slave
86% Primal (Prey)
83% Exhibitionist
80% Experimentalist
79% Brat
75% Voyeur
61% Ageplayer
25% Non-monogamist
22% Switch
7% Primal (Hunter)
4% Vanilla
0% Master/Mistress
0% Brat tamer
0% Sadist
0% Bondage giver
0% Dominant
0% Daddy/Mommy
0% Degradation giver
0% Owner
0% All-Rounder
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=752038
== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
100% girl/boy
100% Degradation receiver
100% Submissive
99% Bondage receiver
96% Pet
93% Masochist
86% Slave
86% Primal (Prey)
83% Exhibitionist
80% Experimentalist
79% Brat
75% Voyeur
61% Ageplayer
25% Non-monogamist
22% Switch
7% Primal (Hunter)
4% Vanilla
0% Master/Mistress
0% Brat tamer
0% Sadist
0% Bondage giver
0% Dominant
0% Daddy/Mommy
0% Degradation giver
0% Owner
0% All-Rounder
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=752038
Friday, October 9, 2015
Gettin' Jiggy Wit It
We got CRAZY! Soooo crazy on the dance floor!
Last Saturday we made it back to the LGBT friendly club Hamburger Mary's for the first time in three or four months for Jamie Jameson's monthly TGirl Saturday dance party. Our summer schedule really different and crazy as far as little free weekend time and we just couldn't get a night free to make 'til now.
We got ready, with our usual preparations, with Miss doing both our nails very pretty as always :-D
My outfit was a black top, white and black skirt, black polka-dot thigh-high stockings (my toes were painted red), 'featuring' black thong panties (LOL!), and the white tipped finger nails Miss had put on for me (there is a whole process to what she does there).
The top was a little different than the picture below and I wore different jewelry, but the rest of the outfit was the same.
Last Saturday we made it back to the LGBT friendly club Hamburger Mary's for the first time in three or four months for Jamie Jameson's monthly TGirl Saturday dance party. Our summer schedule really different and crazy as far as little free weekend time and we just couldn't get a night free to make 'til now.
We got ready, with our usual preparations, with Miss doing both our nails very pretty as always :-D
My outfit was a black top, white and black skirt, black polka-dot thigh-high stockings (my toes were painted red), 'featuring' black thong panties (LOL!), and the white tipped finger nails Miss had put on for me (there is a whole process to what she does there).
The top was a little different than the picture below and I wore different jewelry, but the rest of the outfit was the same.
 |
| I've gotten more confident going out to the club in shorter skirts! |
Oh, and I have to say that Miss was looking dynamite sexy herself, in a blue lightly sequined top with cutouts at the shoulders and ripped blue jeans - Yummy!!!
It's a real thrill to be able to dress sexy and be out with Miss as girlfriends. I can't tell you how joyfully happy that makes me feel. I get a big dose of hope that I'll be full time one day :-D
We get to the club a little after 8 and park across the street. I actually like that better than parking in the garage behind the club as it's a lot more public and I just don't get enough "out in public" time while I'm en-femme.
We have our IDs checked at the entrance and are escorted to a table with a great view of the dance floor and the overall club. We order dinner which as always was just delicious (I had salmon with vegetables). Of course we also got going with Margarita's.... and we kept them coming.
While we are eating the music is going and people are starting to get out and dance. About 9:30 Jamie kicks off the party proper and introduces the featured dancers, and the dance floor starts to get more crowded. We both take turns using the restroom so we don't have to worry about loosing our table if we are both gone (but I'm sure we wouldn't have). No bathroom issues here - I've never been in the men's room at the club - hehehe!
After that Miss says she is ready to dance. I suggest that we get our picture taken first on the "Red Carpet" but she is insistent that now is the time to dance - so off we go!!!
So we are dancing with each other and having a great time. I think I'm better at dancing in heels than walking in them, but I don't think I had any major faux pas in the walking department - at least not that I can remember!
Here is where the 'Jiggy comes in. And that's almost a literal 'Jiggy, as I'm about to try and explain.
A guy works his way towards us while we are dancing. He was very polite entirely by the way. He starts to dance next to us, so I think cool, I'll be friendly and dance a little bit with him. This is the 2nd or 3rd guy that I've ever danced with by the way.
It was obvious that Miss and I were dancing together, and he also moved towards Miss and danced with her too. So basically the three of us were dancing together at one point. And he was so polite that he even asked if it was ok for him to dance between us, which we both said 'yes' of course.
So I am having a great time, we're all dancing together and he's taking turns with both of us. As he and I are dancing we start to get 'Jiggy! I mean REALLY JIGGGGGGY!!!! It's Dirty Dancing time. He starts to dance all sultry and sexy with the whole facial expression thing going on. I get into it and encourage it a little with how I'm dancing. He gets more confident and ups his game with me at this point. I'm thinking to myself - Oh my god, he's really turned on by this! My inner attention whore is both amazed & incredibly flattered, but also in disbelief!
Things continue to get more and more uninhibited. Did I mention that Miss and I are both pretty inebriated from all the alcohol we had been drinking? He dances closer to me, and I put those sexy nails that Miss did for me to good use. I teased his shoulder and back from behind with my nails while he was dancing with Miss. He has a button down shirt that is mostly unbuttoned. He backs into me a little and I reach around him and start to tease his bare chest. I'm thinking he's really enjoying this, don't you?
He switches back to dancing facing me. At this point Miss starts giving me the "thumbs up" sign so I know she is giving me the OK for what's going on, but I'm not really sure where her line is with as far how far this should go. So in "dance style/fashion", one of us (I don't remember who) starts to straddle the other's leg in that sexy dancing teasing/pelvis grinding way (but no contact at this point that I remember.) I am looking at Miss and she's still giving me "thumbs up" so I go with it and we are just going crazy.
He turns back to dance with Miss and I can tell he's dancing close to her. He did that for a while, then he backed towards me and started to press his butt back into me as we danced. I'm going with this crazy moment still, pressing my pelvis back against him, teasing him with my nails. I'm lost in the moment (and the tequila) at this point but I'm still looking at Miss to see if I'm going too far or not for her, but she is smiling and all is good.
Then our man starts to feel me up, running his hand up along the inside of one of my thighs to the top of my stockings. I'm thinking I hope I don't get aroused! Well, I'm letting this happen, in some kind of attention-whore-tequila-shock, so I just keep dancing and letting it play out because I have never been in this kind situation before. Not ever, not even as a guy. As a guy I never had the "guts" to dance with a girl and feel her up as I "knew" she would immediately reject me. But as a girl I have to confess that I was eating this attention up.
OK, so guess what, he eventually goes for the prize. Very gently he works his way all the way up my skirt and starts to fondle me along the sides of my thong and then underneath it. I am totally at a loss as to what to do. In (flattered/amazed?) disbelief! Other than a doctor, only one other time has a male touched my privates. That was a friend/fellow Cub Scout when I think I was 8 years old (but that's another story).
Eventually he turns to me and asks me if he can suck me off!!!! The first time he asked I just smiled not knowing what to say. Then he asked again and I kept smiling kindly and said I'm sorry and shook my head.
What I didn't learn until later was that he was trying to get 'Jiggy with Miss too! He was trying to feel her up, but she doesn't have a 'Jiggy! He asked her if he could suck her off also! Going for the threesome? Miss told him she was sorry but she didn't have one of "those." Butt she did tell me she was flattered that he thought she was a trans person!
I came to my senses a bit, knowing this wasn't going to go any further (and not wanting it to), so Miss and I took our leave of the dance floor and headed up to the Red Carpet to get our pictures taken, and we left the club after that.
This was a wild experience let me tell you! Miss and I both had a great time. OMG!!!!
I hope 'our man' didn't feel lead on.
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