Let me detour a little bit before I get back to what happened with Miss's neighbor... ;-)
My shyness and insecurity about never making a move on Miss definitely shows a part of my submissive personality. I think swiping her panties from the laundry and how nice I felt wearing them are one of my earlier clues about being transgender, but I have a few other memories about my sexuality and submission that I'd like to share.
First recognition of sexuality?
My first sexual memory I think was before I was in preschool. Maybe 1970-71? It wasn't really sexual at the time, but when I think back about it now I feel it was. I remember being at a neighbors house watching TV, and maybe playing a game like Chutes and Ladders, or Candy Land. There was a girl my age there. I'm thinking I was being baby sat while my parents were working or something like that.
The memory I have is only a few seconds long, and I have point out that I have no reason to think anything inappropriate was going on. But I think in my own mind, over time, I finally processed how I felt about it. This memory has come to mind a few times in the past that I can remember, so it was/is significant to me. But until it came back into mind recently, I never resolved how I should feel about it. It was like the experience was not complete yet. I think this event must have been bothering me subconsciously for about the last 40 years or so :-)
Here is the memory. The girl and I were on the floor. I seem to remember her leaving for a few minutes. When she returned I noticed that she was now wearing what I later knew to be fishnet stockings. But in my memory they don't look exactly like fishnets, they looked to be made of a thicker material, like yarn. I think I may have asked "what are those?"
I remember an adult (or could have been an older sibling), making a comment or asking something like "don't they look pretty on her?" So maybe they were stockings and it was "dress up play time"? When I told Miss this story she suggested they may have been tights. I think she's probably right. Maybe this girl was in a toddler ballet class or something?
If you show me yours, I'll show you mine!
I was in preschool at this time, 4-5 years old? I as at a neighbor's house again, probably my mother was off having whatever kind of life she was able to have as a single parent. We were playing things like Chinese Checkers.
There was a girl in the house, my age, maybe a bit older. I know it was her idea - more submissiveness? :-) We went into a closet, I remember feeling awkward about what to do. I think I was paralyzed with fear. She had to prompt me to take my clothes/pants off. As I started to she did too. I think she might have touched the tip of my pee-pee in a curious manner. She asked me "What do you do with it?" I replied with embarrassment at my self-ignorance, "I don't know." I looked down at her groin and didn't see anything. I don't think I had the courage to even think about touching her. I remember feeling like I got the short end of the stick because she had nothing to show ;-)
On the playground, 1st/2nd grade. Trying to get girls attention, or just acting out?
In elementary school I was most definitely not an alpha male in any sense of the word. I only had one friend until probably Jr. High. I was afraid to approach people so I was usually alone during recess and lunch. I remember times where I had to "hang around" the teachers on the playground often, because "bullies" would pick on me.
I can remember being on the playground one day. I had no friends at all at this time. For whatever reason I put my arms straight out and started spinning around. I remember doing that and while spinning I moved in the direction of a group of girls that were together on a grassy area. I wasn't trying to touch them, I think I was just using that as a cover to move closer to them and maybe get their attention. I have no interpretation of what that might mean, maybe absolutely nothing. But it was my first memory of having any interest or curiosity about girls. I do know I didn't feel threatened by them like I did boys,
Next stop, straight to kink? BowWow?
The next sexual memory I can recall was probably 2nd/3rd grade timeframe. Like the neighbor girl memory, at the time I had zero awareness of anything sexual. My mind simply hadn't any notion of sexuality yet. But this was definitely sexual on the other person's part.
I was home alone, maybe sick from school, or spring break. The phone rang and I answered it. A female voice was on the other end. Of course it was so long ago I don't remember exact details of what we said on the phone, but basically she started asking me questions.
At the start I think she was trying to gauge how much sexual experience I had. Questions like "Do you ever play with yourself?" "Do you like it?" "Have you ever been/played with a girl?", etc. I probably stumbled on my answers, and I don't actually remember much anything about what I might have said back to her.
I'm sure it didn't take her long to figure out I was young. Maybe she already knew me. A babysitter, or a relative or friend of a babysitter, or a friend of my mothers.
At some point the conversation moved to a hands-on experience for me. I ended up taking my clothes off. She asked me if I ever played with my pee-pee. I probably said no I hadn't. She then told me to play with it, that it would feel really good if I did what she said.
Anyway, I wanted to do what she was asking. I probably started rubbing my pee-pee from top to bottom (doing it wrong), and I certainly wasn't "feeling" anything good (if you know what I mean). I'm sure I told her that it felt "ok" in an unconvincing tone. But she knew that wasn't what it probably should feel like if I was "doing it" right. I would have started moaning and getting into it, but wasn't.
She probably was a little frustrated that I wasn't getting off, and asked me how I was doing it, and I tried to tell her, and she told me to put my fingers around it and move my hand up and down. She kept asking if it was starting to feel good. Out of guilt I told her yes, it was starting to feel good. Of course... I was not feeling anything. She kept encouraging me to keep stroking, and kept asking if it felt good in a very sexy seductive, heavy breathing kind of voice. Just this very second I realized that she was probably masturbating on the call! Anyway, the call ended.
There was one more call. I remember her asking if I had ever worn a dog collar. I said no. She asked if I had one, or maybe she knew we had a dog. She told me to get it and put it on. She told me to put it on tight, and I did what she asked. I was naked again, and she had me start to play with myself. She was again asking me things like "Does it feel good?" "Are you getting off on this?" "Do you like the way the collar feels"? But basically the same result for me, I felt nothing really pleasurable.
Spin the bottle
We were at a friend of my mother's house, and there were older kids there. It must have been 4th grade for me. The adults were doing their thing in the living room, and we were in a bedroom. The older kids started a game of spin the bottle. This was the first I had heard of this game. I don't remember how the game actually went (but there was some kissing, not me), and I remember feeling uncomfortable because I didn't already know how to play, so I thought I wouldn't be very good at it. When it was explained, I felt like I wouldn't actually be wanted in playing the game (I didn't know any of these kids before this day). I certainly didn't want to kiss anyone!
Mom's pantyhose and silky slips - first dipping of toes into girl clothes.
OK, this shouldn't be anything unique for us trans people. I was home from school, mom worked. I started going through her dresser and discovered pantyhose. I remember I put a pair on and boy was that a challenge. They felt absolutely wonderful. The tightness around my legs, crotch, and butt. It was captivating. I then tried on one of her 3/4 length slips. OMG! The way that felt! So teasingly gentle, almost a tickling feeling. Then I ran my hand over the slip, moving it gently over the pantyhose. The feeling was the most sensual/sexual I had ever had. I liked the pressure of the pantyhose on my groin, but it wasn't enough pressure, so I put on several pairs of my tidy-whitey underwear until the amount of pressure felt right. No idea what that means (probably nothing), but it's what I remember doing.
This was my first sexual feeling and experience that I recall feeling in the same moment that it happened. But as I sit here writing this, I realize it was much more. In that moment I felt good (yes there was guilt/shame too). But really emotionally good. This was different than other kinds of good feelings I had up to that point.
Only today do I think I can translate the emotional feelings into words. I wanted to be able to wear those clothes! I wanted to be the person that could wear those clothes!
I never got into her clothes again. I think in part because somewhere inside "I knew" that it was impossible for men to become women, so I just plodded forward as a male. For 40 years I've made the best life I could as a male, but I'm so much happier and content when I'm not.
OK, that was a boatload to write. I'm probably alienating some who might read this blog, but it is set to "Adult" after all :-D
